how does it feel?
I would like to point out that I am currently writing this at 4:46am in the morning to the soundtrack of my little six week old wrestling with a poo. This has become somewhat of a common occurrence. It feels amazing to become a parent but get ready to reevaluate everything you thought you knew...
If we look back over our lives we can see an unbroken state of change. From the moment we are born we are constantly learning and relearning, consistently obtaining and letting go of a series of dreams, opinions and emotions.
At six years old I was convinced I was going to be a pirate, as you can see from the eye patch I've clearly created using my hand in this photo.
At 17 I was destined to become a pop sensation...
As much as I can remember feeling this way, I have no recollection of the change that took place in between. Yes, I can remember the feeling of wanting to be a pirate and the way my body felt walking on stage each night on tour but the transition was subtle and slight. The result of countless conversations and life experiences that slowly and carefully taped over the previous series of events.
Parenthood was the opposite. With parenthood I felt the change hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Two weeks in to my new life as a parent and I spent my Thursday night following an ambulance as my newborn baby was being rushed to the emergency room with possible sepsis. The country roads were empty and a winter chill was visible from my breath. In one sense it was all a speeding blur, on the other it felt like life had slowed down completely.
In that car, on that winter evening, I realised that nothing would ever be the same. That everything I thought was important now wasn't and nothing mattered more than my little girl and her beautiful mother in the blur of flashing lights ahead of me. I felt like three years of change had hit me in one moment and I was totally overwhelmed by love and responsibility. I suddenly realised what my parents must have felt like after every sports day, during every argument and during each night as they waited to hear I was home safe. I suddenly realised what it truly felt like to have something to lose.
Throughout life we are always seeing everything looking back, like a child from the backseat of a car as it drives away. Becoming a parent feels like I am suddenly in the driving seat.