It's been nearly five months since our lives changed forever and it feel's like every single day we are learning and experiencing something totally new. I often think how best to describe the feeling of being a parent. I think the word that springs to mind is 'wonder'. Being a parent makes me see the world with wonder.
The other morning Daisy caught my gaze for a moment and just held it. This is something she has only recently learnt how to do. I looked into her eyes and thought how familiar they were, how similar they were to her mothers. I wondered how I had ever gone a day without knowing her and felt homesick at the thought of her absence. I felt together with her. Like the lines that made us separate had vanished and the parts of us that truly mattered were totally connected. In that moment my mind had no unanswered questions. I knew why I was here, what I was doing on this crazy planet and what my purpose was. It was to love her...always.
I thought a little about what things could be like in ten years and how lucky I am to have a part of her story. I tried to remind myself not to lose sight of the gift in the hustle of everyday strains. I've seen enough to know it's all too easy. I often wonder who will teach who more. So far she's taught me more that words could say. I just want to teach her to be happy. I want her to know that she is loved without conditions.
Today Daisy woke up at 5am and as I came into her room she smiled from ear to ear. I remember not feeling tired anymore. I remember feeling like I could stay awake for a lifetime. I remember feeling like in that moment I was more alive than I'd ever been before. It felt like all my youthful and misguided attempts at finding ecstasy fell away in comparison to the power and intensity of those three seconds. I felt at peace. I felt complete.
I often think about God when I'm with Daisy. I think I understand the love Christians speak about when she's in my arms. I think I only really understood the meaning of Grace the moment I first heard she was on the way. I thank God endlessly for her. I thank God endlessly for us.
Sometimes I drift off into thoughts of how my parents might have felt the first time I stayed out late alone. I think the moment you have a child, the way you see your own parents changes. I suddenly see all the joy, the fear and the trepidation I was totally oblivious to growing up. I want to be just like my parents. I wonder if Daisy will say the same.
There is so much evil in this world but every moment I look at Daisy I am overwhelmed with love. With her I understand heaven. With her I am home.